aku benci

Finished surgical posting and now i am in O&G. was looking forward to it at first but now not so much anymore...
Well..for starter..the 2 week tagging was grueling..yeah what the hell rite? 2 weeks tagging for 2nd poster..but apparently they just changed the rule when i joined..2 weeks posting for all HOs tak kira whether u dah 2nd or 6th posting..etc..etc..bla bla bla
I guess every posting pasti ade MO yang memang rasa nak pancung kepalanya everytime i hear her voice..didn't know she was tat bad until i had to endure her nagging..believe it is torture enuf to just hear the voice let alone digest her criticism...BLEH..aku benci giler!!!
Just did 2 calls...it was tiring..and now cos i am posted in labor room...aku benci benci perempuan hamil...kenapa they all cannot jus give birth kat rumah sendiri macam all other living things on earth?? aku benci layan kerenah perempuan yang tengah kesakitan (altho that is cruel), aku benci melayan emak yang tak nak teran kerana tak "bertenaga"..padahal dia adalah tenaga untuk ber"complain" tak habis-habisan...aku benci buat VE kerana kesakitan dikepit sampai tanganku cramp!! AKU BENCI ambil darah, label darah, buat ARM...aku benci aku benci O&G
SIGH..feels so much better i let that all out..
counting down the days when i dah habis labour room..so they say once u have done labour room..u should be ready for anything else in O&G..harap-harap that is true..cos i am so not looking forward to more crap!
I have never been interested in O&G and i dun think that will change anytime soon...oh god..please jus let my labour room posting be as uneventful as possible cos the experience of seeing a baby flat is enough to make me alert enuf to keep checking on CTGs yang ada je problem..seriously..CTG memang membengangkan...
oklah..cukuplah kebencian sampai di sini..
AISH

weekend rant

Wuhuhu..the end of my surgical posting is soo near now..how i feel?? buahaha..mostly happy cos i want some changes..and moving on is always better then staying static. I guess i am just someone who gets bored very easily..always looking for the next new thing..tasting new tastes which somewhat explains why i eat very fast...lol
My next posting is O&G..hopefully what i've learnt in surgery will help me in the next posting..no doubt there will b new things to learn..new skills to acquire and new friendships (& adverseries) to form...ahh..the story of my life..ONE thing or person rather that i am not looking forward is the famous MO who loves to torture HOs..sigh..why must there always be someone like that in each posting ar?
I think the people i will miss most are the nurses la..althought they sometimes do get on my nerves but in this 3 months plus they have been a great help...and working with them has only gotten easier...hopefully this trend will go on in the coming postings...
Bosses will always be bosses...MOs will always be MOs...and colleagues will always be colleagues..i keep telling myself nobody is perfect..padahal i have many flaws myself..god made us this way so we can learn from each other..so we will always need each other..so juz be patient la...
it's been one months plus i have not "cut"..my last appendicectomy..i did wif confidence and for me it was fullfilling to know that i can probably perform one when ask prn..lol..i guess it's good if i were ever sent to district..god knows..i will be expected to do all the minor surgeries..wanna refer cases like that..better sedia ditembak...
I notice we always find flaws in others..so willingly point them out..but have we ever asked why they made those mistakes..maybe if we understood the root of the problem, we could help solve it...
Work is stressful...i feel drowned sometimes...like being forcefully submerged in cold water before u could take a proper breath. My final assessment is coming soon..please just let me pass..i wanna move on..i really do...but the again will i look back later and think maybe i shouldn't have hoped for this..."THE JINX" seriously..i notice right..one never gets satisfied with the outcome when one have a preconcieved expectation...so should i then live life without expectations?? but that is just not me...;p
ANYWAYS...till next time..GAMBATE to all la

Self motivation

How can some people be so unappreaciative. Throughout the whole time that my juniors are tagging, i have been nothing but helpful but yet they percieve it as bullying. Actually how is asking them to assist me in dressing patient's wounds considered bullying. I have never bad mouthed them to the MOs even when they didn't come early for grand rounds to review patients nor did i mind if i had to recheck whatever they are doing. I was not ever reluctant to answer any questions or offer voluntary information about the workings of a surgical housemen and yet they repeat the same mistakes. Sigh..as of yesterday..i have gave up...from now on...i am not going to teach anymore..after all what satisfaction is there in teaching ppl who do not want to learn...I will leave it for my MOs to teach them the hard way la..like how i learnt...i have went thru it and personally hated that phase...so all i am doing is juz to minimize that phase for them..but as usual sincerity is often mal-percieved. Humans are really evil i think and possibly we are born evil rather than good...it is our teachings, religion and laws that hold us from being evil...I now understand this philosophy which was told to me by one of my muslim friends.
i can't believe i have 2 more months in surgery..for me, it felt like forever..but that is probably the testament that i have really learnt a lot..and i know there are many things more that i need to learn..but why do i go everyday with the fear that i will screw up in something..maybe it is because i know very well that no matter how good you are..once u did a boo-boo, u will forever be marked and labelled..and that is the sad truth...again demonstrating the evil side of humans..we do tend to focus on the negatives...
aarghhh...hopefully i will get better and not worst la...keep chugging like an undying train!! Gambate

CIS!!

ward baru...organisation pun tak same, style MO, Specialist pun tak same, bahkan kerenah-kerenah nurses pun tak same...SIGH
I must preservere...sebab aku HO IMU hebat..lol...tat is my pegangan..
My ward has once again been converted into the isolation ward for H1N1..so all female surgical patients must move to gynae ward while the critical patients are sent to male surgical cubicle one as a "makeshift HDU" apelah...i feel like living in a pre-war era..patient semua bertimbun-timbun kat one cubicle...
banyak benda yang i nak suggest tapi it's very dangerous to act smart here..sebab bosses tak akan suka ornag yang terlalu bijak...tak pandai jawab soalan..u bodoh..pandai lalu jawab soalan..u angkuh...haizz..apelah culture orang-orang asia ni? no wonder la selalu tak progress...
Walaupun telah lama kat surgery..hakikatnya aku masih rasa terumbang ambing...mcm tak ade je tempat untuk i...MO dan specialist suka kan seniors ku...sebab pada pandangan mereka..aku tak se-efisien...apalah..aku baru je 1.5 months kat surgery...macam manelah aku tahu semua benda...jadi aku faham aku patut belajar cepat tapi tolonglah bagi tunjuk ajar yang sewajarnya...pandai je complain belakangku...CIS!
Colleagues ku yg baru je off tagging..of cos i dun expect u to do everything..tapi kenape tak buat yg basic..macam tolong review patient untuk rounds...ke mane u menghilangkan diri? u nak makan breakfast, lunch dinner tepat pade mase? ok? no problem..kalau kita habis kerja cepat bolehlah makan bersama-sama kan? apelah ni...aku sedang bz review patient sebelum specialist nak datang...u seronok makan kat pantri...CIS!
aaahhh...excuse my ranting...but what can i do..BUT only sigh...
*update..patient yg UGIH tu...collapse last night..cause unknown...can u imagine?? no one knows why patient collapse...medical dah review...tak tahu...bosses ku pikir mungkin stroke...
apa ku pikir...maybe infarct..sebab hypotension..tak tahulah..apalah terjadi pada medical team kalau surgical team yg diagnosekan stroke...padan muka rite? ITUlah...aku miss...profesor-profesor ku yg handal-handal belaka...adakah aku akan mundur sebab pengajaranku sesat?
I notice...my posts are getting angrier...hmm..not good sign...
One thing to look forward to...surgical workshop...buahaha...suturing and playing wif laparascopy...kakakaka...i like!

"Dun wear red or balck when u r on call la!"

Post call..Fridays are suppose to be uneventful...so they say.
For some reason..when i am on call with this particular MO..i never get to sleep one...just my luck i guess...
12 something..nurses call.."doctor..patient passing lots of melena and fainted in toilet.."
OMG...i quickly rushed to the female surgical ward..and saw a trail of melena from the patient's bed to the toilet..
First thing on my mind..is why the hell did the nurses allowed a UGIH patient go to toilet by herself...By that time i was boiling mad..and asked the nurses to quickly clean the patient and put her in her bed..a check of BP..96/53...PR 117...ok ok..SHIT...quickly called MO while at the same time..ran fluid boluses, ordered blood and put on panto infusion..just as i tot..the MO ordered the same..minutes later..correction 30 minutes later..my nurses managed to do their job...i was freakin mad..how can some ppl work so slow in such emergency situations?? I tell myself i must not loose my temper..but i really cannot tahan d..i ran down and took the blood myself..behold the nurses were happily chattin among themselves in the blood bank...*MOTHER*
my MO finally arrived and arranged for an OGDS..by the was about 2 am d...everything done..patient back in the ward..more stabilised already 3am..FINE..i went back to sleep..2 hours later..phone rings again.."GOT NEW CASE..RTA....but stable"..sigh..clerk and make sure medications were indented...ok..i tell myself..just a few more hours and u can go home...
MY specialist came to do rounds today and exclaimed "no wonder la ur call was bad..why did u wear red and black...hahaha" the urban myth...but be amused by the truth in those myths..totally wearing blue the next time i go on call...i want a cool cool call...
SO THAT WAS MY CALL...

There are many types of MO..but the ones i cannot tahan most are those that are so freakin snobbish and rude lo...i greeted this particular "BIATCHY" MO i think 4 -5 times now..and all the time she never greeted me back...OK..no more hellos for u from now on la..
Then there are some who are "incompetent" really but pretend that they are very good...sigh
BUT of course..among all those thorns..there are also some that are the roses of the bunch la..
VERY sad to say...i am not motivated at all in my hospital..i miss Seremban Hospital where i go everyday thinking i can be better...that i can make a difference..that there is something to be learned...
BUT now..all i want is to get the crappy paper work done quick..while maneuvreing "f*cked up" social hierachies and office politics amidst gossips and social networks...this is really not my cup of tea...I hope things get better la...
It is no wonder why my colleague wants to quit medicine..but i sincerely hope she stays la...
I really need a holiday..so if anyone decides to cancel my leave..i will seriously snap...

Work never seems to end..but i guess it is all worth it when in the end u have helped someone...i felt it for the first time when patient's i discharged all thanked me as they left the hospital...i know it might just be some simple gesture but it does go a long way for such a draggy day that is call a typical houseman work day.
So i am working alone now...but they will be new housemen who will tag along la..i really dun mind it if only they really wanna learn...sigh.
Awaiting...tomorrow..and the weekend..lol..:P

The count so far...3 CPRs..and 3 deaths...sigh..the latest one being on my sunday call...another BIG SIGH
i felt so so so sad for the patient..cos he was so so so alive when i saw him...and then it all went downhill..the last moments were spend looking at his wife (who was also admitted with their baby..all sustained injuries in a RTA)..crying and whispering pleas for him to live into his ears...as medical personnel huddle on the periphery awaiting asystole to call time of death...GOSH..it was intense..i wanted to run away but i was trapped and forced to watch it all unfold...I wished there was something we could have done to avoid this..but i know like all things in life..the past is the past...
Our pengarah is forcing us all to wear masks in the ward but my HOD says its useless cos H1N1 is pandemic as of now...oh well..my hospital itself saw one ICU patient infected with it..and another pregnant lady who is now critical from it...good thing the baby was delivered safely..not positive of the influenza...BUT really everyone is quite scared of it..even my family members..but as of now there is no vaccine for it available yet...SO YEAH..my worries is that i bring the virus back to my young cousins..
My other friend will be on leave as of tomorrow..so i will be all alone in the male surgical ward..so i pray that i can finish my work on time...sighness...i forsee many sleepless nights...GOD SAVE ME!